The Vark Wars

Hi, Everybody!

Your friend and mine, and Superman's Frenemy, David Birdsong sent in (back in MARCH?!? how the HELL did that happen!?!):

Attached to this email is the final version of the Vark Wars cover.  Dave just wanted one minor change and then had a suggestion that would involve some input from the AMOC readership.  Here are his exact words:

Click to see bigger

Dave Sim: 

The only problem with this one is that I know virtually nothing about Star Wars that the average grandparent of a Star Wars fan wouldn't know and am completely disinterested in doing any Star Wars 101 study at this point in my life.

Why don't you and Benjamin do some CIH? Star Wars strips and throw it open to the AMOC readership as well and we'll have a Funniest CIH? Star Wars strip contest?

You and Benjamin can decide what's in and what's out or Matt can put it to a vote and I'll send an autographed copy of the issue to anyone whose strip is included.  I don't think it needs to have a sustained 24-page narrative.  With all of the raw materials, it's probably better to jump around from Cerebus, Dante and Virgil think that they're Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca to commenting on George Lucas' revisions to riffing on Disney now owning Star Wars.

David Birdsong continued:

So Dave has thrown down the gauntlet on this one and invited a group-made comic. 

He also sent his first strip:

click to make bigger

Well, I love me some Star Wars. And, (if my running a blog devoted to Cerebus didn't drive home the point,) I also love me some Cerebus (basically, 1977 has been very good to me...). So a Star Wars/Cerebus in Hell? one-shot is a "Reese's Peanut Butter Cup" of awesome that I'd buy in a heart beat.

And inspired me to write:

Strip 1:

Panel 1: Vark Wars logo

Panel 2: Cerebus standing by Dante and Virgil. Text Cerebus: AND WHO IS CEREBUS AGAIN?

Panel 3: same as 2. Text Dante: LUKE SKYWALKER. A MOISTURE FARMER FROM TATTOINE, WHO LEAVES HOME, LEARNS THE WAYS OF THE FORCE, AND SAVES THE GALAXY. Text Cerebus: AND WHO'S MY LOVE INTEREST?

Panel 4: same as 2/3, only Cerebus has his sword raised and is on the far right of the panel exiting. Text Dante: YOUR SISTER, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YET. Text Cerebus: HARD PASS! CEREBUS ISN'T A FREAK!

Text by CIH logo on the left of the strip: For best effect, have someone hold panel 1 up to your face and then back away very quickly, then read panel 2. (Of course, then you'd need two copies of this issue...) (Hint. Hint.)

Which David made:

Click to see my works bigger, and despair...

And we were off to the races.

Everybody's friend, Sean Robinson, got involved, and suggested:

I had an idea last night for a framework that would allow for a through-line and still have room for one-off gag strips...

Batvark decides there's good money in "rebooting"/remaking Star Wars ". Dante or Virgil point out that he'll be sued into oblivion if he tries to do so. So he decides to make a "postmodern deconstruction" of it instead, named STAR WARS ON ICE, with the "ON ICE" part conveniently minimized on the posters etc.

Everyone piles on wanting to be part of this sure-fire money maker. Many gags involving people wanting to "be" various characters, including Cerebus and Jingles arguing (like little kids) about who gets to "be" Han Solo. (Cerebus sugggesting that HE already has the vest). Jingles puts on the Solo vest as well. Other gags involving the various other iconic character props (Leia Cinnabun hair, Luke moptop, Vader helmet) on top of the normal CIH? cutouts. (This is a really strong visual gag IMHO. Basically would elevate any other gag that's there if Cerebus is wearing litle Leia Cinnabuns and Jingles has a Solo vest and Batvark has the sides of his helmet colored black.)

Maybe a two or three strip sequence in "Mos Eisley, Hell's Friendliest Den of Scum and Villainy", where it's mostly just the arm-cutting scene restaged like it's a scene from CHEERS. (Laugh track and all?) Populated by all of the cut-out monsters Benjamin has made?

THE MILLENIUM FALCON as sled pulled by Jingles?? (Which I guess would make him CHewbacca?) See the "growly Jingles" Dore plate for the image you'd need.

The climax? The CIH? STAR WARS ON ICE production is put on hold because of a similar post-modern deconstructionalist production named STAR WARS IN SPACE, put on by a rival group of much, much tougher cartoon characters, the cast of CIH?s main rivals...

PEANUTS.

Which lead to:

Eventually, David sent everything we had done so far, up to Dave, and Dave responded:

SO, I'm gonna run the strips we got so far over the next couple of days, and if anybody wants to send in THEIR ideas, we'll take a look, and mock 'em up and run them in the future. OR, if you see one of our strips and think you could make it better, send in your edits, and we'll take a look.

Send your submissions to: thevarkwars@gmail.com That's thevarkwars@gmail.com

You don't HAVE to adhere to the outline Sean made, but if you do, here's the opening script we got so far (sorry we don't have visuals, they're IN PROGRESS):

Inside Cover:

three panels: 

Panel 1: Vark Wars logo

Panel 2: After-gag:  For best effect, have someone hold panel 1 up to your face and then back away very quickly, then read panel 2. (Of course, then you'd need two copies of this issue...) (Hint. Hint.)

Panel 3: Opening crawl:

Episode *insert whatever issue number of CiH? this is*

CROUCHING BANTHA, HIDDEN FORTRESS

It is a period of deep turmoil in the Infernal Realms. BATVARK needs money. (Nobody is quite sure why...) He's already strong-armed every penny he can find, but it's not enough.

The new STAR WARS film is getting released soon too. So everybody is pretty stoked for that. "Will LUKE be a Force-Ghost?" "How will they handle CARRIE FISHER'S death?" "Will FINN hook-up with REY or POE?"

It's pretty much "STAR WARS" or "NOT IN THE FACE!!!" With nothing in-between. In fact, all this talk of STAR WARS has given BATVARK an idea....

Strip #1(for real this time):

Panel 1: Batvark with the damned. It would be best if the damned are getting tortured. The gag kinda hinges on that. (I only have the Dore bits that Dave's used, and the internet keeps showing me a naked half spider-woman...) Text Batvark: THAT'S IT! BATVARK'LL REMAKE STAR WARS AND MAKE A FORTUNE!!! Text one of the damned, his name is Ted: IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN, THE MOUSE WILL SUE YOU FOR EVERTHING YOU HAVE.

Panel 2: Same image. Text Ted: BEFORE THE MASSIVE CORONARY THAT ENDED ME UP HERE, I WAS A LAWYER FOR THEM. I USED TO SUE EVERYBODY! ONE TIME I SUED A DAYCARE AND THEY HAD TO PAINT OVER UNLICENSED CHARACTERS WHILE THE KIDS WATCHED AND CRIED.

Panel 3: Same image. Text Batvark: IS THAT WHY YOUR LOWER INTESTINES ARE FILLED WITH LIVE COCKROACHES? Text Ted: YES.

Panel 4: Same image. Text Batvark: WHAT'D YOU DO TO DESERVE THE SCORPIONS LAYING EGGS IN YOUR RECTUM? Text Ted: YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW...

After-gag: No, really, don't ask Ted about the scorpions. Just know he TOTALLY deserves them...

Strip #2: Same image as strip #1

Panel 1: Text Batvark: SO, IF I DO IT AS A  "POST-MODERN DECONSTRUCTIONIST PRODUCTION" THEY CAN'T TOUCH ME? Text Ted: YUP.

Panel 2: Text Batvark: OK, "STAR WARS ON ICE"! I'll MAKE A MINT Text Ted: BEEN DONE. THE MOUSE HAS A BUNCH OF KIDS SKATE WITH LIGHTSABERS. Text Ted: IT'S MAGICAL.

Panel 3: Text Batvark: FINE. "STAR WARS IN HELL". Text Ted: IT'LL NEVER SELL IN THE SOUTH. JUST CALL IT "VARK WARS". GET THE KID IN THE BUNNY SUIT TO BE YOUR ANTAGONIST, AND BOB'S YOUR UNCLE...

Panel 4: Batvark is now turned away from Ted, and has his arms raised with the sword (Ben made that right, I'm not imagining things again?) Text Batvark: ALRIGHT PEOPLE! WE GOT A MONEY MAKING SCHEME HERE! START SEWING YOU LOSERS! SOMEBODY GET BATVARK A LATTE! Text Ted: GOOD LUCK! IF IT GOES SOUTH AND YOU NEED REPRESENTATION, I'M RIGHT HERE, BLOATED WITH LIVE VERMIN AND SUFFERING ETERNALLY...

After-gag: And Ted's rates are very reasonable, just help him pick the scorpion eggs out...

Strip #3: Batvark with Dante and Virgil. 

Panel 1: Batvark is turned away with the sword raised. Text Virgil: BATVARK! WE HEARD ABOUT YOUR "SHOW" HOW COULD YOU?!? THIS IS THE MOST DEPLORABLE THING YOU'VE EVER DONE!

Panel 2: Regular Batvark now. Text Virgil: CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS DANTE?!? Text Dante: CUT ME IN FOR 6% OF THE GROSS, AND I'LL BE YOUR PRODUCER.

Panel 3: Text Batvark: FINE, BUT YOU GOTTA WRANGLE THE KID IN THE BUNNY SUIT. Text Dante: DEAL.

Panel 4: Text Virgil: DANTE! I'M...I'M SHOCKED! HOW COULD YOU?!? Text Dante: WINE DOESN'T PAY FOR ITSELF...

After-gag: Do you know how much a renaissance poet pulls down a month? After taxes? 

Strip #4 (Formerly strip #1.) (You're gonna have to redo this one David, sorry...)

Panel 1: Cerebus standing by Dante and Virgil. Text Cerebus: AND WHO IS CEREBUS AGAIN?

Panel 2: same as 1. Text Dante: LUKE SKYWALKER. A MOISTURE FARMER FROM TATTOINE, WHO LEAVES HOME, LEARNS THE WAYS OF THE FORCE, AND SAVES THE GALAXY. Text Cerebus: AND WHO'S THE VILLAIN?

Panel 3: Text Dante: DARTH VADER, THE DARK LORD OF THE SITH, AND YOUR FATHER, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. Text Cerebus: AND WHO'S CEREBUS' LOVE INTEREST?

Panel 4: same as 2/3, only Cerebus has his sword raised and is on the far right of the panel exiting. Text Dante: YOUR SISTER, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YET EITHER. Text Cerebus: HARD PASS! CEREBUS ISN'T A FREAK!

After-gag: It's probably for the best, Cerebus isn't really space-messiah material...

Mr. Birdsong has asked that anybody submitting a script TRY to follow the script layout I've been using.

Oh, and the deadline for all this (since we're shooting to get this issue on the stands at the end of November 2019 (Just in time for Episode 9!).) is the end of November 2018.

Okay, tomorrow, some of David Birdsong's Vark Wars strips

Next Time: More Vark Wars! More Hilarity! More Freddie Mercury(?)! And Ben Hobbs weighs in!