"I Think She's Functionally Illiterate." "Manly" Matt Dow's THIRD glamourpuss pitch

Hi, Everybody!

T.G.I.M(?):

_______

Yesterday Oliver shared a link to the tweeters where I talked about how page nine of glamourpuss #25 happened. 

Well, that was OBVIOUSLY an abbreviated version of the story, so now from the depths of the AMOCHIVE, I bring you the third excerpt from “Time Machine and a coat hanger!” The Making of glamourpuss #25/ Zootananpuss #4, page 9*:

(For those that are coming in fresh, part 1, part 2.)

So, back to the drawing board (metaphorically speaking, I wrote most of these pitches at my security guard job.) 

Finally after seven months of constant (no, it wasn’t) back breaking (no, it wasn’t) labor (it was more fun than I’m making it sound) I had a new pitch to send to Dave:

glamourpuss pitch #3:
Hey Dave,

So here’s the pitch, if you like it, I’ll send up my drawings and the photo reference. I’ve had the title in my head since 2003. I’m glad I finally found a place to use it. Give me a call when you read this if you wanna discuss it (good or bad) I work until 4PM your time, but I’m available every night until 10PM. My numbers are (***) ***-**** (cell) and (***) ***-**** (home) I’d recommend calling home first. Hope ya like this,

Matt Dow

Page 1, banner across top of page: Aardvark-Vanaheim presents our next “sure fire” winner: The Bi-Curious Adventures of Avril Lavigne (and then really small) Copyright 2012 Dave Sim* (at bottom of page) *Iguana and Beer copyright 2012 Matt Dow

As I put on my rough, I suggested Dave use the art from Pretty Girls and Other Subjects:

Because I thought that'd save him from having to draw a new image.

Anyway, back to the pitch:

Panel 1: Image of Avril Lavigne on right with text on left
Text: Being an International superstar can be, like, totally exhausting. So it’s, like, ya know, totally bitchin’ that after the applause dies, and the, like, curtain comes down, that, like, my Bi-curious Adventures can, like, totally begin…

Panel 2: Iguana and Beer looking up at panel 1(they could be changed to two other characters, like you as Iguana and me as Beer if you want. I’ll get photos of me and thru the magic of photo-realism we can appear together.)
Text Iguana: Yeah… I’m out.
Text Beer: What?

Panel 3: Iguana and Beer looking at each other.
Text Iguana: Pretty sure this one gets us sued. I’m out.
Text Beer: No…we won’t get sued.

Panel 4: Same only Iguana is pointing up at panel 1.
Text Iguana: In what bizarre universe does THAT not get us sued?
Text Beer: Listen, under “Parody and Fair Use” we can use her and not get sued.

Page 2, banner across top of page: The Bi-Curious Adventures of Avril Lavigne (and then really small) Copyright 2012 David Slim* (at bottom of page) *Iguana and Beer copyright 2012 Mike Dowe

Panel 1: Image of pretty girl (which I will provide later) on left with text on right and an ID card with Avril Lavigne’s picture in the lower right corner
Text: This is Vanessa, I met her on a flight to New Zealand. It was, like, a really, like, long flight, so we, like, started foolin’ around and, OMG, that’s how I, like, joined the, like, Mile High Club…
Text ID card: Earth Pig Airlines Mile High Club “Get there in the Air” Avril Lavigne member since 2008

 Here's the three images I had in my files that I was gonna send Dave as candidates for "Vanessa":

Panel 2: Iguana and Beer looking at each other. Iguana has his arms raised in annoyance.
Text Iguana: For saying she’s gay?!?
Text Beer: Not gay, Bi. There’s a difference.

Panel 3: Same, only now Iguana is subdued.
Text Iguana: Can you prove it either way?
Text Beer: …no.

Panel 4: straight shot of Iguana
Text Iguana: Yeah…I’m out.

Page 3, banner across top of page: The Bi-Curious Adventures of Avril Lavigne (and then really small) Copyright 2012 Victor Davis* (at bottom of page) *Iguana and Beer copyright 2012 Bruce Zachs

My suggested image for page three.

Panel 1: Image of Taylor Swift on right with text on left.

Text: This is Taylor. We, like, met at this, like, awards show or something. The tension between us was, like, palatable, or something. We were totally gonna organize this “Free Lindsey Lohan” benefit concert, but, like, by the time we got serious, Lindsey was already free. So we partied in Cabo instead.

Panel 2: straight shot of Beer.
Text Beer: Listen, we’re not gonna get sued 1: Parody and Fair Use, 2:She’s never gonna find out, 3: have you ever heard her song “SK8ER Boi”? I think she’s functionally illiterate.

Panel 3: Beer and Iguana facing each other, Iguana is pointing over his shoulder with his thumb.
Text Iguana: You make a strong case…I’m out.

Panel 4: straight shot of Beer
Text Beer: Seriously?

Page 4, banner across top of page: The Bi-Curious Adventures of Avril Lavigne (and then really small) Copyright 2012 The Follicly-Challenged Neil Gaiman of Earth 2* (at bottom of page) *Iguana and Beer copyright 2012 The Not-So-Super Clark Kent of Earth 111

My suggested image for page four.

Panel 1: Image of girl on left, text on right
Text: And this is Liz. She’s, like, English or something. When we met, she, like, invited me back to her, like, flat for “tea and crumpets.” I, like, didn’t know what a crumpet was, but, like, based on what happened next, “crumpets” are, like, banned in Alabama, Georgia, Arkansas, and Mississippi because they, like, “constitute lewd and unlawful behavior.”

Panel 2: Beer Facing Iguana
Text Beer: glamourpuss sells what, around 2000 copies?
Text Iguana: So?

Panel 3: Same.
Text Beer: So a quarter of those get “bagged and boarded” and never read.
Text Iguana: So?

Panel 4: Same.
Text Beer: So what are the odds that she or her lawyers will ever see a copy?

Page 5 panel one: a letter
Letter Text: Law offices of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger and McCormick
Misters Iguana & Beer, We represent Avril Lavigne. Glamourpuss Industries, its directors, officers, agents, employees and assigns (collectively, “Iguana & Beer”) are hereby warned and notified to CEASE AND DESIST making false and defamatory statements regarding Avril Lavigne and its ongoing matters with Iguana & Beer. It has come to our attention that false statements were made by Iguana & Beer. Specifically in the previous four pages titled “The Bi-Curious Adventures of Avril Lavigne.” The statements made by Iguana & Beer regarding Avril Lavigne are false, defamatory, constitute tortuous interference with business, and as such, are actionable under Canadian law. If our client is forced to commence a lawsuit against Iguana & Beer in order to stop continued false and defamatory statements, be advised that we will seek recovery of all attorneys’ fees and costs incurred herein as a result. While we certainly hope this is not necessary, we are prepared to pursue whatever avenues are necessary on behalf of our client to stop the continued false and defamatory statements made against Avril Lavigne by Iguana & Beer.

Sincerely,
Charles H. Hungerdunger
Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger and McCormick

Panel 2: Beer and Iguana looking up at panel 1.
Text Beer: Well look at that…
Text Iguana: F*** me running…

Panel 3: Beer and Iguana looking at each other.
Text Iguana: “Parody and fair Use” huh?
Text Iguana: Schmuck…

Panel 4: Beer looking up at panel 1, no Iguana.
Text Beer: Well I guess this kills next issue’s “Diane Keaton: Vampire Slayer”…

So notes on Pitch #3: I liked that every page the names change. First it’s Dave and I, then what glamourpuss calls us,

Actually, "Mike Dowe" comes from when Dave sent me the pictures of when I gave him his gold watch for finishing Cerebus, he had signed them "To Mike".  And I used to get asked all the time if my last name had an "E" in it.

then Dave’s substitute from Reads and a pseudonym I created for myself,

It's the names of two of my favorite cats I've lived with. 

fourth is a character Dave played on Cerebus TV and a similar character I could have played had Cerebus TV continued.

Anybody else remember The Follicly-Challenged Neil Gaiman of Earth 2?

The law firm that the cease and desist comes from is the law firm Groucho uses in the Marx Brothers’ Animal Crackers.

I drew the first four pages and then went on the internet to get a sample cease-and-desist letter I could use as a template. When I finished writing up my version, I realized that I didn’t have an ending while I was typing up page five. “Diane Keaton Vampire Slayer” was a top-of-my-head idea. She was in an article in one of the two issues of Vogue I had bought as research for my pitches. 

Next Time: How I discovered my script made the cut!

*Advance praise for glamourpuss archive:

"Up until an hour ago, I would have stated for a fact that [Jeff] Seiler's CEREBUS READERS IN CRISIS was the most uncalled-for example of Dave Sim Ephemera to hit the market, but I think you have him beat with this one."

Dave Sim

Creator- Cerebus, glamourpuss, Judenhass, The Strange Death of Alex Raymond, You Don't Know Jack, Cerebus in Hell?